6 Kinds of People I Hate on Airplanes
I really can’t stand people that are completely inconsiderate of the other humans around them. This seems to rear its ugly head the WORST when traveling by airplane.
1. Rolly bag people
I get it. You don’t want to pay the $25 to check a bag. I hate that airlines charge for checked bags now. But it pisses me off when in the rare event that I am traveling with an item and I do need to use the overhead for something I am transporting ie: a fragile piece of artwork and I cannot put it in the overhead because all 50 lbs of your precious clothing needs to be in there in a suitcase taking up the whole God damn space. Oh and not to mention you have another 30 lbs have shit jammed into a bag and stuffed into the storage area under your feet. Pay the $25 or get an airline credit card to waive it, you cheap bastard. And you know what pisses me off all of the time with rolly bag people? How long it takes them to get their stupid bag stuffed into the overhead. If it’s too damn heavy to quickly and efficiently lift over your head and slide right in, you probably are traveling with far too much shit.
2. People who bumrush the line when the plane starts boarding
Really? You’re in a hurry to get on the metal tube you’ll be trapped on for the next 6 hours? It drives me crazy when everyone gets up and stands around in the way. WAIT UNTIL THEY CALL YOUR BOARDING ZONE!! Don’t push the Mom and her babies and the wheelchair-bound old man (who all do need a little more time to get situated) out of the way because YOU think YOU ARE special and should be seated first. And I’m sure your happy ass will be the first to stampede all your fellow travelers when said metal tube lands.
I love when the airline ticket scanner person tells them, nope I can’t let you on until I call your seating area, have a seat and wait your turn.
3. The belligerent asshole pissing and moaning about all the babies and children on the plane
Hello, asshat. Like the rest of us want to listen to them scream. We also don’t want to listen to you bitch about it on top of it all. Usually, your moans are much louder than the screaming of the kids anyways. Plus, don’t put more undue stress on top of the mounting stress those parents are going through knowing they are about to be trapped on a plane with a small human that they have little control over’s emotions. I rarely see a kid out of control on an airplane without a parent taking every dire measure trying to calm the kid. If the parent is not watching their child and letting it freely run around, scream, yell, chant verses from a cult worship book, fighting with siblings, or kick the back of your seat without discipline, then you have a legitimate reason to bitch and whine.
One time I was flying Honolulu back to Anchorage (it’s a red-eye and the only direct flight) and the plane was chock full of small children and babies. One man was loudly complaining of all the kids and babies and how he wasn’t going to get any sleep (he was whining before the plane even boarded). Guess who had to sit next to this unwiped asshole? Me. He was trying to complain to me about it and how he hates listening to whiny little snots on the plane that keep him awake. At that point, I said “oh, this coming from the grown man whining and complaining about all the kids on a flight that hasn’t even taken off yet” Jesus, what do you want them to do? Swim back to Alaska?” He just looked at me blankly, like how dare this girl say this to ME of all people?!? ut guess what? HE SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh and the other beauty that makes this man look like even more of a jackass? Barely heard a peep on that 6-hour flight after we took off.
I am not a parent and have limited child experience, but what I do know is that kids are fairly irrational human beings with little control (getting better as they age) over their emotions. And if a parent is doing everything humanly possible to control and keep their child happy and quiet on a flight, don’t put more stress on them than they are already under. You’re an adult, so act like one.
4. Overly drunk people
I love to have a drink or two before or even on my flight. But don’t get piss ass drunk. Especially, don’t get piss ass drunk if you have a seat in the exit aisle. Then get mad at the flight attendant for kindly asking you to switch seats with another passenger because you are quite obviously too drunk to be in the exit aisle in the event of an emergency. Then you get sat down next to me and the poor 18 year old coming back from a semester of college having a nice conversation. Then drunkenly interject into our conversation about how much of a bitch the flight attendant is for moving you for being too drunk. But your sentence actually sounded like ” I’m not toooooo derunk. Shesabitchsh. I paid…… esxtera furthit seat. Whodoesshetheensheis? I had… ONE derinkha.”
5. The oh, so in love making out, soft porn couple
Jesus, can you not wait until you get to your hotel room? I mean most of it I can tolerate: holding hands, non-tongue involved kissing. But when there is a makeout session, spit swapping, and heavy petting going on in the two seats next to me?!? Stop being filthy animals and wait until after the 4-hour flight to grope each other a mere inch from me. Our thighs are touching and I wasn’t planning to partake in a threesome today.
The worst I encountered was my flight to the Maldives. I went to the Maldives alone. I also did not pay attention to a calendar and see that I’d be there over Valentine’s Day. Let me reiterate that for you: I went to the Maldives alone over Valentine’s Day. There was so much Valentine’s Day, newly wed, face sucking going on I wanted to slit my own wrists with an in-flight-meal provided spork.
6. The guy blaring Skrillex as loud as his laptop will go
I get it. I love dubstep too. I love lots of music. But don’t blare it at max! I was on a plane once where the attendant had to repeatedly ask a man to turn the volume down. He’d turn it down until the attendant walked away and he’d turn it right back up. He was playing Skrillex and the ENTIRE airplane could hear it. It wasn’t like he was quietly listening to it, or even listening to it at a normal volume. This was ear deafeningly loud. It was ridiculous. Sir, have you not heard of headphones?